I am so glad to hear that your son has a great friendship with a child with Asperger’s. After going to Minnesota Autism conference this spring, the message I came home with was that friendships with neurotypical peers is the most effective way for kids with Asperger’s to learn proper social behavior.

About your son’s friend’s father, I would bet that he doesn’t know that he has Asperger’s. From what you described about him, it sounds like he could. My dad doesn’t think he has Asperger’s, though I would beg to differ, and that might be the case with this father. I can’t think of any way of finding out for sure without asking, but wouldn’t recommend asking. If he believes he has it, he will tell people. That’s the thing about Asperger’s – we have a hard time knowing what is considered appropriate to share, so we either say nothing, or over share. But so far, every adult that I know that thinks he or she has Asperger’s tells everyone, so I’m thinking this father probably doesn’t think he has Asperger’s.

I am so sorry to hear about the misunderstanding between your two families. Yes, if people with Asperger’s who are Christians realize that what they are believing is against the Word of God they will change their mind. That is the good thing about the Asperger mind – it likes rules. I’ll be praying with you that this father does hear God’s word on forgiveness and that he accepts God’s strength to act on it.

I don’t know what this father’s story is, but I know for me it can be difficult to forgive, because I am afraid of being hurt again. Though, I think that can be true for everyone, not just people with Asperger’s. For people with Asperger’s, the not knowing what to expect from people can be very threatening, which is why people with Asperger’s create so many rules for people to follow.

Also, because Aspies often have heightened senses, and cannot quickly filter stimuli, they can become much more easily overwhelmed by things. For instance, I have to be very careful about what kind of shows and movies I watch or music that I listen to because I can’t just filter out the bad parts and enjoy the good parts. The bad parts affect me so much that they overshadow the good parts. Or if I am able to filter out the bad, it has taken so much conscious, physical effort, that it wasn’t at all entertaining. In other words, things that others accept as just a normal part of everyday life feels like a mountain to climb for people with Asperger’s

I know I have to constantly coach myself to not make silly rules for people. Because my father seems to have Asperger’s, we always had to do what he wanted, so I am much more adaptable than a lot of people with Asperger’s. But my poor husband has to deal with me when I just want to relax and be myself and have everything my way for once. Thankfully, because my husband grew up with a very bossy mother and father and sister, and because he loves God and wants the best for me, he will have very little to do with me being a tyrant, so I don’t get by with it. So through him, and my willingness to let God change me, I am getting less rule-bound, but I think it is something I will always have to fight, unless God decides to miraculously heal me.

Again, I’ll be praying for your two families. Thank you for befriending this family, and thank you for your humility and desire to reconcile. It really blesses me to know that you are out there trying to love as Jesus would have you do.

One of the pastors at our church (and I keep forgetting to tell him this) has a wonderful gift of being able to explain biblical truths in a way that have made sense to me like no other pastor has been able to. I’ll be praying for someone like that in your friend’s life. My pastor’s name is Mark Herringshaw and he has just co-authored two books on prayer (I think he has a blog, too).