"Most Likely to Succeed"

I saw that this was a search phrase used to find my blog. I believe that the answer to that question is: when you teach them.

I don’t know that anyone really knows right from wrong on their own. It’s just that neurotypical people are just sort of able to pick up right from wrong by watching others. Apsergians are not able to do that.

Neurotypical peple are able to generalize their experiences, too. Aspergians are not able to do that, either. So, unfortunately, unless you directly teach the child with Asperger’s what is right and what is wrong, in every situation, they are not going to know.

Once you do teach an Aspie what is right or wrong in a particular situation, they most likely won’t ever forget. I love this about my Asperger’s child! This point is not necessarily true for neurotypical children, which drives me crazy. My neurotypical child is quite forgetful concerning what I have taught her, often insisting that I never even told her about a situation in question, which I know I just reprimanded her for it not even 72 hours before.

This being said, an Asperger’s child, like all human beings may not choose to act in the way that he or she knows is right. The tricky part about disciplining an Asperger’s child is they may not be motivated to change, because even though they know that a certain action is considered wrong, they don’t really think it is, so see no need to change. For instance, there are so many things that people are supposed to do or not do to be polite. But many of those things involve white lies, which to an Aspie is apalling. So they would rather suffer the consequences than have to to compliment someone’s ugly shoes, or horrid haircut. Because they cannot live with themselves as a liar.

There are times when people with Asperger’s Syndrome know right from wrong better than the neurotypicals. Because Aspies are not burdened with all of the cultural nuances of what is expected in polite society, they simply try to follow the big rules like, don’t lie, don’t cheat, etc. They are then labeled as rule breakers because the NTs don’t like that the Aspies are telling the truth about what is really going on.

Also, I believe that some Aspies get confused and don’t know when they should follow rules and when they should not. For instance, they are taught as children not to lie. But then are told to lie to people all of the time about all sorts of things. For example, we are told to lie and say that we are fine when asked, “How are you.” We are told to lie and say, “It is delicious,’ when we really can’t stand what we are being forced to eat. We are told to lie and say, “What a lovely baby,” when it is the ugliest thing we have seen as yet. And the list goes on. So after awhile, an Aspie could conclude that breaking even the big rules must not have any real consequences, if the reason you are doing it is a good one.

The problem is, the Aspie doesn’t realize that the decision about what is a good reason to break a rule is made by a neurotypical, so an Aspie reason to break a rule is always going to be considered the wrong reason. A neurotypical person may be able to get by with the same crime because they will have a reason that is considered acceptable. Not fair, but true.

When Aspies are around people that they know care about them, or are put into a situation that is going to last beyond what they can fake their way through, they will let their true colors fly and tell you every little thing that bothers them, which is pretty much every little thing! Ask my poor husband – though I have gotten better at letting things go.

However, when Aspies are around people for just short periods of time, they often act like nothing is bothering them. This is because the act of trying to tell someone that something is bothering them is so difficult, they would rather just put up with the situation as is. They know they will get a break soon enough.

For instance, I very seldom told my roommates that anything they did bothered me. I knew that the situation would eventually change, so no worries. I just tolerated things as is, and moved on when I could. However, when I got married, I knew that I wouldn’t be able to tolerate everything forever, so I was open about what was bothering me.

Aspies can seem cold and calculating. Unfortunately, that can be the case. But here is why. Aspies actually feel things much more deeply and intensely than most other people. However, they become cold and calculating over time because they feel misunderstood, they feel like no one will ever give them what they really need, so they are going to have to get it for themselves. Because it is difficult for them to communicate at all, and on top of that, when they do communciate others often don’t understand them, they give up on communicating. They do care about others, but every little issue is so much more intense for them, that they get overwhlemed and end up just focusing on themselves because they are so overwhelmed.

I have found that the only people I am able to trust are those who have been friends with me for decades, and have proven themselves to be interested in my well-being. They, of course, are not perfect, but I am finally able to forgive and trust them because of the openness they have shown me over a long period of time.

I don’t know that any of this is so different from neurotypical people, though. Maybe it just happens to Aspies faster because of their greater difficulty in dealing with situations because of the intensity of their senses, and the intensity of their need to have things, “just so.”

For example, when I am out with my family, one of my children might ask, “what time is it?” If my watch says, 5:27, but my husband tells our child that it is 5:30, immediately I feel very agitated, to the point that I want to yell out, “it is not 5:30, it is only 5:27.” I have learned to let that feeling of agitation pass, and it is getting less all of the time, but I don’ t know that it will ever go totally away. I have never chosen to feel that way about something so small. It just is the way my body reacts. My husband says it is petty to worry about such small differences, and he is probably right, unless of course you are timing a race or something that does require exact time measurements.

We don’t mean to be picky just to be picky. We truly feel like our world is going to end, like are head is going to explode, like our heart is going to stop. Thank goodness God is faithful and able to hold us and comfort us and help us let things go. And that He provides others to be His hands and face and voice to help us learn to let those feelings pass over us, but to not let them overpower us, causing us to act in ways that always get us into way more trouble than we ever bargained for!