(Marriage tip #2)
I have learned that if I am upset with my neurotypical (NT) spouse about something, he prefers that first I start out with some pleasant small talk, followed by a comment about how much I enjoy him. After those pleasantries, I may bring up what is bothering me using an, “I feel this way when you behave that way,” statement. I then should quickly follow up with another pleasant statement. From reading parenting and relationship materials, and listening to married friends talk over the years, it sounds like this is the way most NTs prefer to be told bad news.
This, however, is not at all how those with Autism Spectrum Disorders like to learn about an issue. First of all, we don’t particularly like small talk at any time, though most of us have learned to put up with it, and try to participate for the sake of keeping up relationships.
Second, we want you to get right to the point. It confuses us when you start out with something you like about us, just to have you then launch into something you don’t like about us. It does not make us feel good to have you say something nice about us first. In fact, we feel tricked – here we thought we were having a pleasant conversation between contented friends when, BAM! Sucker punch to the mid-section. You are not at all contented but frustrated with us.
Now it will be hard for us to have a pleasant conversation with you in the future. We won’t be able to relax – we will keep wondering when you are going to drop the hammer on us, again.
It is ok to say a quick, “I love you, but…” But please, no long, drawn out pleasantries. Just give us the bad news, and let’s move on to how to solve it.
You can tell us what you like about us after we have discussed the bad news. We may find that comforting, but please don’t waste your breath on it before. That will just make us feel patronized, disrespected, lied to, etc.
Before I realized that I had Asperger’s Syndrome, I had gotten to the point where I was really nervous about talking to my husband, because I always seemed to upset him, when I was just trying to make our relationship better, and vice versa. Now I understand he is not trying to trick me, but trying to be considerate, from an NTs point of view.
I am trying to be less direct, more round-about, and more affirming like he prefers. I fear that I am really quite terrible at it. It is so uncomfortable, and feels so conniving. But with God’s help, I hope to improve. I think he tries to be more direct with me, but that is a very foreign way for him. The good news is that we are both now aware of our differences, so we are able to focus on the issue at hand, and not so much the delivery of the news.
Do unto others as you would have them do unto you, by doing unto them what you don’t want done unto you, but that they prefer.