Category: Parenting Advice

Thank God, I’m terrible!

For some months now, my son’s piano teacher has been asking him to learn to play Christian worship songs using just chord sheets. My husband and I didn’t push him over the summer – he got the summer off from lessons (Actually, I got the summer off from listening to him complain that he needed to do something other than playing on the computer!).

He started lessons again last week, and was asked again to pick one song to work on. Later this morning, he started picking on his sister, so I suggested that he must be bored, so why not practise piano (he truly loves to play, so I wasn’t trying to be mean, just trying to help him stay out of trouble). He noodled around a bit, and then I remembered that he had yet to tackle a worship song. So I told him he needed to pick a song.

Let the excuses and procrstination start!

son: I don’t know any of the songs my teacher gave me.

daughter, looking through his sheet music: I know you know this one.

son: I don’t know what the notes are supposed to be.

me: You have an incredible ear (he actually has a perfect ear – but being from Minnesota, “perfect,” is culturally difficult to accept, “incredible,” is already pushing it!), so I am sure you will be able to figure it out. But you don’t even need to do that, just figure out the chords listed on the sheet.

son: stalling, stalling stalling…

me: Where is the chord sheet your teacher gave you? Get that out. That will make it easier.

son: rolling head on couch, still stalling

me, getting out his chord sheet and placing it on the piano next to the song sheet: Come on, you can do this.

son: No, I don’t want to. You can’t make me, etc, etc.

me pulling out all of the stops: You will not get to play on the computer tonight until you try to play this.

son, pouting as he sits down on the piano bench: Help me, mom!

me: OK, where’s the A chord? OK, so this is what you do (playing the chords listed on the sheet, painfully slowly, and with many an error).

daughter: Mom, please stop! Please let my brother try it!

son, also all too happy to have me stop: Ok, I think I get it.

Next commences 15 or so minutes of perfect chords. He then switched to almost perfectly plunking out the melody.

Thank God I know just enough piano to be painful to listen to!

Oh, be careful little eyes what you see.

I remember singing that song just about every Sunday when I was in elementary school, and when my mom wanted to remind us how we ought to behave, she would sing a bar or two. It even would pop into my head as an adult, while trying to decide how to spend my time.

Now that I have two elementary schoolers myself, I am trying to teach them the same concept – that what you see, hear and think about will affect you, so be careful. They don’t sing that song, so they will have to settle for my lectures running through their heads!

My son loves Lego.  There are some awesome sets out there. There are also some really cool sets that are a bit too dark for my tastes. For months he has been obsessed with several sets that I have repeatedly told him I didn’t think were good for his psyche. He would insist that he was just pretending with them, that he knew that they were just toys and wasn’t going to let them affect him negatively. Meanwhile, he was constantly in trouble at school for fighting, or goofing off.

About two weeks ago he finally took my advice and started obsessing (that’s part of being autistic – something is either an obsession, or isn’t even on the radar), about sets that were cool, but not so dark. And guess what?

The first week he was only in trouble at school a few times, and the second week he had excellent behavior. He was also more pleasant to be with at home. This then translated into him having more time to do what he liked – computer, and less time spent doing extra jobs.

God’s word proves true, yet again: )

Philippians 4:8-9

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

Work for words

It seems to be working – lately we have been giving our son jobs to do if he can’t control his mouth. Last week there was one evening where that snowballed a bit, and he ended up with quite a few jobs. After getting a few jobs for saying mean things like, “you’re stupid,” when I told him he needed to stop playing computer so that we could go pick up my husband, (his dad!) from work, he got upset about how many jobs he had, and couldn’t seem to shut his mouth off, ending up with 10 jobs. Some of them were very light, though, like, “go feed your sister’s fish.”

But lately he has been able to keep the job count a bit lower. I am so proud of him. I understand how hard it is to control one’s tongue,  as I was constantly in trouble for that same thing as a child. I never dared call my mom a name, but I did get into verbal wars with my siblings, constantly. I still have a long way to go on total tongue control, which means that my poor son does not have a perfect example to follow.

Thank goodness for Jesus’ example. Jesus wasn’t always, “Minnesota Nice.” He said things that were hurtful, unpopular and got himself into trouble sometimes. But Jesus wasn’t always loud and brash, either. Sometimes he used no words at all, but let his actions do the talking.

My prayer for all of us today, and especially for those of us with Asperger’s Syndrome or Autism is that we would be able to control our tongue – to really think before we speak. I pray that we would remember to carry our gripes to God, first, so that He can help us sort through what really needs to be communicated, and what we should just let go of. Often things we find offensive are just us misunderstanding a situation, or being far too petty. I ask God’s love for us, so that we can let that love cover a multitude of sins in ourselves and others, forgiving as he has forgiven us.

First time ever

For the first time ever, I was able to leave my son unattended with a group of peers on the school playground, and not worry about him exploding. And I was able to leave both of my children with a group of peers and one adult who may or may not have been capable of keeping the peace at the church gymnasium after Sunday School. I was able to relax and talk with friends, and come back 10 minutes later to find all children still having fun, in both instances.

Honestly, just a month ago, I would have laughed if you told me that was possible. I would not allow my son out of my sight unless I was confident that there was another adult who was aware of his needs and could intervene appropriately, if he became stressed out with a peer.

I finally feel like a normal mother!

I don’t plan on leaving him unattended for more time anytime soon. But 10 minutes is amazing! I am so proud of him, and his peers who have embraced his needs and support him, while teaching him how to act more, “normal.”

Thank you for all of your prayers! They are working! I pray for all of you waiting for a breakthrough, that it would come, and that God would hug you while you wait. For those of you who have children with more significant disabilities, who know they will probably never see such a breakthrough, my heart goes out to you and I pray God’s promise, that He will never leave you, and that His grace is sufficient.

Also, I realize that this new state of being may be fleeting, and may not appear again for some time. Just like when I learn a new interpersonal skill, but then get lazy and backslide. I hope, for his sake, more than mine, that he keeps on building on this ability!

autistic child + losing my mind

My heart goes out to whomever (or whoever, I can never remember which is the correct one to use when) it was that found my blog using those search terms.

I was to that point, myself, this past Monday and Tuesday. After a typical weekend of my son’s constant fussing over every little thing, picking a verbal fight with anyone in hearing range, I let out a sigh after dropping him and his sister off at school Monday morning, and started in praying for new hope, new forgiveness for him, new love for him, so that I would be happy to see him and support him when I picked him up from school later that day.

Usually just a few minutes of remembering God’s admonishments to love our enemies, do good to those that think they hate us (my paraphrase added – I think most parents know where I am coming from here), put others needs before our own, forgive as He has forgiven us, then, remembering that God promises to always give us the strength and support we need to accomplish those tasks gets me back on track. I usually feel energized, or at least a little hopeful and positive.

But this Monday, nothing helped. I was tired and frustrated. I knew that God had seen me through before, so I was able to be civil when I picked my son up, but there were no warm supportive feelings – just trying to do my job properly, hoping that the feelings would come back sometime.

Tuesday I wasn’t feeling any better. I had offered to help a friend out at a local Christian ministry that afternoon, so I showed up and was told that I would be calling people to set up appointments for them to talk to my friend about prayer ministry opportunities. Those of you who know me well are probably laughing right now. I really have a difficult time making phone calls, and calling people I don’t even know, to see if they want to sign up for something is definitely on the bottom of my list of things I feel comfortable with. But on the way to the ministry I had told God that I would be willing to do whatever He required of me, no matter how mundane or out of my comfort zone, so there I was.

Since I believed in the “product I was selling,” so to speak, it wasn’t so bad, and I actually enjoyed myself a bit. Though I must admit that I was thrilled that most of the calls landed me into voicemail, where I could simply leave a message. As my time was drawing to a close, I dialed the phone one last time and ended up contacting a live person. He told me that he was already praying for the ministry, so didn’t need to set up an appointment, but then asked if I wanted prayer for anything. Since my own prayers hadn’t been working like usual, I thought I best not pass up this opportunity.

I told this kind-sounding stranger that my kid was stressing me out. “He has Asperger’s Syndrome,” I explained, and I just wanted a little prayer.

“I know a lot about that,” responded the stranger, with warmth and hope in his voice. “I married into a family with two children with autism. Would you like to talk to my wife?”

I felt a little odd taking up some of my volunteer minutes to get help myself, but since I wasn’t going to have time to make many more calls, anyway, I decided that I would be crazy to pass up such valuable support. “Sure,” I responded.

I then spent the next 10 minutes learning about how this mom worked with her son, who is graduating from high school this spring. It was inspiring to hear the hope she had in her voice. It was also comforting (my husband shakes his head at this, because I guess guys are not comforted by learning that someone else has a tough situation just like you, but girls do find it so) to hear her exasperation, frustration, and to hear for real, again, that I am not alone in this crazy world of raising a son with Asperger’s.

She said that, “Love and Logic,” and “The Nurtured Heart” approach have worked the best for their family. I have heard about both, but plan to get better aquainted with them, and try to use them myself.

She recommended writing lists of their tasks so that there is less to argue about, and then sticking to the broken record of, “When your list is complete, then you can play on the computer.” She said that staying very consistent, but calm when consequences needed to be handed out, then praising for good behavior was helpful. Also, having a carrot to work for rather than a stick to avoid was most motivating, though the stick is unavoidable at times.

I still am so floored that He met me in such an unusual way. Had my friend asked, would you like to make phone calls for me, I probably would have said, “You know, that is really not my strength.” I am so glad that I allowed myself to heed God’s leading to do something that made me uncomfortable. Through my obedience, He was able to give me the exact encouragement I needed, in a place that I never anticipated finding it.

I pray that all of us who are “autistic child + losing my mind” would find the support we need in Him.